Have you ever puked up something and that experience ruined that food/beverage for you forever?
Well, I thought that my relationship with hot cheetos would be forever tainted. One lovely evening, I found myself on the floor of one of my sexual partners bathroom spewing out of my mouth what looked and felt like lava. The burn in my nose was enough to make me pass out.
I was a fire breathing dragon at this point. There was red everywhere. It was a massacre. One might compare it to a war zone…
I had obviously drank way too much Eye of the Hawk and made the poor decision to eat a large bag of hot cheetos at Beach Hut Deli, where the current hook up managed.
After having a sloppy, yet surprisingly steamy little session in the ladies bathroom of the deli we decided to head back to his place.
To be perfectly honest, after we arrived, the Hawk had hit me. I knew I was too fucked up to do anything but bend over the sink and try not to get my red fingers on anything. My belly was bulging and I looked 5 months pregnant and I could barely open my eyes… His pelvis kept ramming into my ass, which means my stomach was ramming into the sink. I hiccuped… and I felt the hoppy burn in my throat.
Oh shit, this was it.
And in a swift motion, he rammed into me again and the beer and hot cheetos were suddenly in my mouth and plugging my tiny nostrils. I turned around, my cheeks full, shoved him out of the bathroom locked the door and let it all out.
Red chunks everywhere. I began to cry.
Through the tears and the chunks, I crawled to the toilet. My outfit had suddenly turned red.
I released myself in his toilet…
And that was that.
This was the moment I thought hot cheetos would be ruined for me forever.
I went through flashbacks of all the beautiful memories we had together. I remembered the first time we had met when Jamie first introduced us in 4th grade on the playground. Flashes of picking you up at 7/11 in my drunken stupor brought even more tears to my eyes. Every time I came to after a blackout, not remembering how much I had enjoyed the evening with you, but knew you were there due to my stained red fingertips. I felt like I was losing a companion forever because of my stupidity that night. I knew I shouldn’t have combined hot cheetos and such an incredible amount of beer and hard swift motions…
And yet, through thick and thin hot cheetos and I made it through the mess I got us in. The next Saturday, I woke up in my white waterfall duvet and sure enough… there was a red mess smeared everywhere…
Bae and I had survived. I still find comfort in these little guys. They are my go to when the going gets rough.
I love hot cheetos and I hope that will never change… Oh… and if you were curious me and that dude just sort of never talked again. We follow each other on Instagram and every time I get a ping from him liking one of my photos, I get flashbacks of the fateful night five years ago.