put.your.hands. together.

Sorry I have taken some time off from posting… I got my tits done and have been on a lot of meds and frankly, they’re quite distracting!

This post is going to be somewhat serious BECAUSE STIs are not funny, but I can laugh about my experience now.

Once again, I was 19-years-old and very naive. It was New Year’s Eve and I was in Reno, Nevada (already a good start, right?). At the time I was working for a production company and my boss got me and my supervisor a hotel room in the Grand Sierra Resort because they had contracted a concert there. There was a certain reggae band playing… they’re kinda famous now, but at the time I had no idea who they were. I was just excited because I got to be backstage with a whole bunch of booze and snacks.

I strapped on my two padded bras that pushed my boobs up to my chin (pre boob job, obvi because they are definitely up there now… hayyyyyy!)  and put on my body-con black dress. I was ready and feeling sexaaay.

We pre-gamed in the hotel room before heading downstairs to the concert. I was shithoused. I don’t even remember getting to the concert. I don’t remember ringing in the new year, but apparently I kissed my boss’ 17 year-old-son. Hopefully, I made his night…I mean we still follow each other in Instagram six years later? So that’s a good sign.

When I came to, I was backstage eating off the band’s food spread. I was stuffing my face with turkey and pickles.

My manager called me over and asked me if I wanted to meet the band.

“Oh fuck, ya,” I replied.

I stumbled over to the group. There was a hottie in a rasta jersey of some sort, who turned out to be the bass player. I was into it so I pushed myself to stand closer to him. We got to talking and I wanted a burger from Johnny Rockets that was in the casino.

It ended up being closed… what the fuck?

***Side note: sorry I never really go into what I talk about with these dudes or how I end up in bed with them. During these situations I was usually really fucked up and can only remember bits and pieces. We talked about Bob Dylan, he told me I was a cool chick and that’s really all I needed… and all I really remember.***

So, after we realized we weren’t gonna get burgers we went up to his hotel room. BOW CHICKA WOW WOW.

“Are you clean?”

“Are YOU clean?” I scoffed.

My two bras fell to the floor. I am sure he was super disapointed that my melons just turned into kiwis. We then proceeded to have sex without a condom.

I was so dumb.

It was great sex, but still NOT worth it.

I was super unique, cute and ahead of my time so instead of rocking a simple belly button ring, I had a surface piercing right where a regular piercing would be. This proved to be the last night I would rock that piercing. He was bending me over the bed and really going to town and I felt a tug and then a rip. My dermal had gotten caught on the sheets and I was bleeding everywhere. I simply flicked out the anchor and kept going. I was numb off of booze so I didn’t feel the pain.

Through the blood, he flicked my legs around his waist and brought me to the couch where we continued. I am going to be honest… this is where my memory just goes blank.

I woke up and snuck out without waking him up (he ended up finding me on Facebook and whenever I see that he is playing in my town I do my best to attend and say, “hey!”)

I opened the door to my hotel room and it smelled like a goddamn distillery. My supervisor barely even noticed I didn’t sleep there until I gave her all the juicy deets.

Flash forward two weeks when I was back from Winter Break and I decided I need to get tested at my school’s clinic. I had no symptoms, but I knew that it was the responsible thing to do. This was my first time getting tested… I had been sexually active for two years at this point and had over 12 partners.

I remember getting the phone call as I walked to my 8 a.m. anatomy class telling me that I was positive with Chlamydia. Yes, it is one of the ones that goes away. Yes, I was lucky, but it just goes to show that anyone can contract STIs.

I ended up getting the clap one more time about 3 months later ( I am a gross mother fucker and Chico is a dirty place. Don’t send your kids there. One in four… One in four)… but I now get tested regularly and diligently.

I learned my lesson.

About a year and a half ago I slept with my current partner on our first date.At the time he was a pretty well-known bachelor/player in the community. ***Side note: I went on a date with him on a whim. I had no idea we would be in love and together a year and a half later. I just wanted to go to a G Eazy concert and ended up really liking this dude.*** We used a condom, but I still panicked and ran into Planned Parenthood the next day asking to be tested.

“Did you use a condom?”

“Yes, but there is still liquid that can get places.”

“When did you have this intercourse?”

“Last night!” I’m pretty sure I screamed at her.

“Ma’am, it takes a week for symptoms to occur and for us to be able to test you.”

I ran out saying I will be back in a week AND you bet your ass I was!

GET TESTED. BE RESPONSIBLE!

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