I didn’t want to go on a date with this guy. It was my dog’s birthday and I felt rushed getting to the date. I was late. He wasn’t my type. I didn’t know what him and I would even talk about. We had a mutual friend and she told me that I would really like him. Hesitantly, I trusted her and I am so happy I did.

The first date was just fine. We went and got drinks. I wasn’t eating at this time in my life… I was trying that whole anorexic thing and believe it or not IT WORKED! The downfall to not eating means you can’t hold your alcohol. I had one drink and one shot and I WAS TURNT.

The conversation seemed to be a little smoother and he was actually really funny. We talked about our upbringings and that I legit was throwing my dog a birthday party and that is why I was late (that shoulda been a red flag for him right there). He invited me back to his house to smoke.

“Ya, sure,” I giggled.

We smoked.

I was standing in his living room, realizing how particular he was. Everything was meticulously placed. Talk about being anal (this is clever foreshadowing hahaha).  As I was looking around, he walked over to me and put his arms around my waste. He leaned in and without any hesitation we were kissing and then we were in his bed.

“You have a whole 70’s thing going on.”

I was riding his dick as he said this.

“Oh, ya?” I breathlessly responded.

“Ya, the whole bush and middle part thing.”

“Thanks…? I love my bush.”

I continued doing my thing. I came. He came.

I then left.

Turns out I only lived three blocks from him. I had recently moved to my own little spot and wasn’t 100% of my surroundings.

I got a text from him the next day asking if I wanted to go paddle boarding with him and another couple. I agreed to it. The day of I was in the shower looking down at my precious bush thinking “how the fuck am I gonna fit that into a bikini?”

I attempted to clean it up a bit, but I ended up freaking the fuck out because I couldn’t get it even on both sides and I took it all off.

I picked him up and took him out to the river. We met up with the couple. Turned out I went to elementary and high school with the girl (all of us basic white women seem to know each other in this damn town). We went paddle boarding. It was fun. I managed not to make a complete fool of myself. We then headed to this weird bar on the river. My date seemed to know everyone there. There were so many beautifully trashy women with their tribal tattooed dates. I felt so self conscious. I was wearing zero makeup and a dumb straw fedora. This led to my over consumption of booze.

We soon left and went to another bar. I barely remember leaving this second spot. Turns out the other couple started fighting and the girl ended up getting left at the second spot. She was getting a little rowdy and dancing A LOT! A LOT!!!

We went back to his spot. Started making out and I was naked again.

“Where did your bush go? You loved that thing.”

“I freaked out shaving,” I slurred.

He tried to go down on me… I don’t like that and so I offered an alternative.

“You should put it in my ass.”

“What?” he seemed surprised.

“Put it in my ass.”

This was me being sweet. Offering up anal. Good GOD what is wrong with me? Where did I go wrong?

He put it in there after some struggle. After that initial shock of having something put in where stuff is supposed to come out it felt really good. It was hot. He bent me over the corner of his bed and just went to town. He came.

“Do you want some food?” He smiled.

I needed food desperately. I think he could see it in my eyes. One tends to go the other way when I’ve been drinking.

“I’m Postmating chili burgers and fries.”

He said the words that made me fall in love with him.

We ate chili burgers in bed. I am a simple girl. You don’t have to do much for me to think a situation is terribly romantic.

I ended up getting a little into eating my burger and getting chili all up in his white sheets. Oops! Even after that he let me sleep over… I slept on my fucking chili stain.

When I woke up we smelled like anal sex, chili with a hint of love. It was a perfect second date if you ask me.

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